My name is Lisa and I have complex emotional needs (CEN). At the age of 61, I was diagnosed with Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder (EUPD). I struggle with severe anxiety, I feel scared all the time, and I fear being abandoned. My moods and emotions can change dramatically in a short space of time. Sometimes I experience dissociation when I am upset, and I’ll end up somewhere with no clue how I got there.

“I am a product of my upbringing”

As a child, I was mistreated by my parents. When I suffered a head injury at age 9, they didn’t take me to hospital for a long time. I was having seizures and they still didn’t take me. Eventually, a scan revealed I had suffered brain damage, which had caused epilepsy. It was all too much for me to take in and I suffered a mental breakdown soon after. 

I was referred to a psychiatrist. My dad was scared I would tell someone what had been happening to me, so he moved us to an extremely isolated area. My parents lived in a cottage, and my dad built a shed a short distance away. I had to live in the shed, alone. I was nine years old.  

Sometimes I would have pets, but my dad would always take them away. He would gloat that he’d had them killed. He would take away anything that brought me happiness. 

I did try to tell my teacher what was happening to me. He said I was making it up. It was absolutely heart breaking. I didn’t speak out for another 50 years, when I told my GP about my childhood, at the age of 61.

“I have bounced from service to service all my life, never finding one that helped me”

Many people with CEN struggle to find the right support, and diagnosis can take decades. Often, they are simply seen as having anxiety or depression, when the reality is far more complex. 

I’d bounced from service to service all my life, never finding one that helped me. I was diagnosed with depression, agoraphobia, anorexia… I was put in a ‘box’ each time I sought help, but I knew it wasn’t right. 

When I spoke to my GP about my life experiences, it was like all the pieces came together. He could see I was dealing with something beyond anxiety or depression. I was referred to the CEN Coaching Service at Guideposts. It was the first time I’d accessed a specialist service. I finally had hope that there was something that could help me.

“Guideposts CEN Coaching is my lifeline. I finally have someone who understands me”

I had tried counselling and therapy in the past, but it just focused on anxiety. There wasn’t the opportunity to talk about my past. You don’t get enough sessions and sometimes sessions would be cancelled, or the therapist would phone late. Continuity and reliability are so important to people like me: we need to know we aren’t going to be abandoned or left behind. 

This service is the best thing that has ever happened to me. I haven’t been impressed with any other service. This is what I have needed all my life. For the first time, I have someone who understands what it’s like to have EUPD. I’ve learnt a lot at Guideposts, like how to be kind to myself. My past is always going to be there, but now I understand I’m not worthless, I do deserve a happy life, and I can see a way forward. 

“I understand I’m not worthless, and I can see a way forward”

I don’t take antidepressants now. There are so many people in a similar position; being given medication when actually they need someone to help them process their past and understand where all their emotion and fear comes from. This service is the most important thing to have come out of the NHS and I wish I’d accessed it sooner.

A message from Lisa to those who relate to her story

As an adult, speaking out is so hard because you might still feel loyalty for your parents. But even though you might feel like you don’t deserve a better life, the most important thing is to find someone who really understands trauma and the impact it has on your way of thinking. You need to be very brave, but then you can start to understand that what happened to you wasn’t ok, and it wasn’t your fault. 

Only then can you start moving forwards.